Let's face it, the therapist-client relationship has got to be the most bizarre relationship there is. At least it's the most bizarre relationship I've ever had. There is nothing else remotely like it. Not in my life. There is no one else that I visit once a week, usually dreading the visit, and yet paying for it, even though major parts of each visit feel like torment. And then there is the weird way we communicate. I almost always start out reading horrible, awful stuff out of my journal, usually punctuated by me saying, "Oh, no, I can't read that next sentence" and my therapist encouraging me to read it anyway. He asks clarifying questions and then we discuss, in excruciating detail, what I read. Periodically he asks what I am feeling at that moment. There is no way I would relate to anyone else in my life in such a weird way. I can just imagine getting together with a friend and reading awful hideous stuff to her so we could then discuss it, while I huddle on the couch, curled up in a ball, feeling miserable, vulnerable, and tormented. Who would want a friendship like that?
There have been times when I've felt like saying, "Can't we talk about something nice for a change?" but who wants to spend money to chat about how lovely the weather is? Then again, who wants to spend money to be tormented? See -- therapy is crazy.
Then there is the whole one-sided aspect of the therapist-client relationship. I spill my guts and tell him all sorts of gory, intimate details of my life that I don't share with anyone else. Does he open up in return? No, he just says, "Hhhhmmm..." and asks questions. What's up with that? Where is the give and take?
Then there are all the boundaries. In most of my relationships, one or both of us feel free to invite the other out for coffee, over to each other's house, or just to hang out somewhere. But there are all sorts of rules about what is and isn't appropriate in the therapy-client relationship, and it seems so restricted and artificial.
Plus, the whole goal is to get to the point where you say "goodbye" to each other. Is that strange or what? I typically don't start relationships with the hopes of ending them.
And somehow this really bizarre relationship is supposed to help me, among other things, have healthier relationships? Hahaha.
So, last Wednesday, before I had my breakdown, I read my anti-therapy rant to my therapist. It's not the first anti-therapy rant I've written, but it's the first one I've read to him. I've told him before that I was living a completely happy life before therapy ruined it all for me, and he just says, "Oh, yeah?" and laughs. Once he even responded, "Your mother was right. No good can come of therapy." I suspect he wasn't being serious. But then again, maybe he was. Therapists are kind of weird.
So this is what I read. My comments are in brackets.
"Therapy is so stupid and painful and it's made everything worse. It made me suicidal and all crazy. [I'm over the suicidal part...not sure about the crazy part.] I've gotten drunk more times. Then there's times like now when I want to get drunk so bad. The whole therapy thing hurts so bad. [Apparently it also makes for redundant writing.] I can't believe we are paying money so I can torment myself. Before therapy I didn't...[insert personal stuff and examples of how therapy is ruining my life]
I'm confused so much of the time and things hurt so much and I want to go back to not really thinking about all this stuff, not having nightmares, not hurting so damn bad and being so afraid. I really don't want to face any more of the truth because it's all ugly and painful and I was way better off not knowing. I just want it to stop hurting so damn much....I hate being so desperate to make the pain go away that I force myself to tell [name of therapist] all this awful stuff only it just keeps hurting more and more and I can't keep on doing this anymore..."
What did my therapist say to all this? "Hhhhmmm..."
So I went on reading the very next thing I'd written in my journal, which was my feelings about the stuck point I've finally decided not to avoid any more.
See? Therapy is driving me crazy. One moment I'm quitting because the whole process is too painful and the next I'm writing about the very stuck point that has been causing me the most pain.
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