Replying to comments from others:I feel spent.
In the morning, I had my session with New Therapist. It wasn't at all difficult. Mostly she gave an interesting lecture on brain development and then told me what we would actually be doing during EMDR. But I missed Randy, because I would have told him about my past week, which wasn't exactly a walk in the park, and he would have completely understood why.
It seems that New Therapist simply must annoy me at least once every session. I'm trying to remember if Randy annoyed me in the beginning. What I remember is that with him, it was mostly like this:
Me: "Blah, blah blah, but it was really no big deal."
Him: "I think it was. I think it was a very big deal."
Me: "No, it wasn't. And how do you know? You weren't there!"
Him: "If it's no big deal, why can't you look at me? Why are you hiding all curled up in a little ball, with your right leg shaking?"
Me: "Why do you have to make things sound so horrible?!"
Him: "Because they were."
Then I would think that he was hugely annoying...damn him...therapy sucks...
But New Therapist is annoying in a different way. Today it was because I mentioned that I was going in for psychological testing because the marriage counselors recommended it. Specifically, they wanted me to be tested for ADD.
"Why do they think you might have ADD?" she asked, sounding highly skeptical. I cited a litany of reasons. She said it could all be from PTSD.
I replied that I'd had the same issues all through school, that every report card said "not working up to her potential"' "needs to pay better attention", "makes careless errors", and "reads or daydreams when should be working."
She asked when the incest began. I said at age 13. Then she decided, knowing absolutely nothing of my childhood, that I must have had PTSD long before that. "I think we need to take care of the PTSD first before we even look at anything else because I don't think it is anything else."
I figure the psychologist will be able to sort all that out. Isn't that the point of testing? I think what bothered me is that she sounded so sure of herself when she still knows very little about me.
The other thing that annoys me is that she seems to be trying too hard to convince me of how effective EMDR is, and how experienced and well trained she is. I want to say, "Hey, I'm here, aren't I? So enough with the infomercial already!"
After lunch, it was off to the psychologist for testing. I really liked this guy. He apologized up front for being a smart ass, and I said it would make the testing more fun. It did.
But, dang!!! It was exhausting. I felt like every part of my mind and psyche was poked, prodded, and analyzed.
Weird thing I can't figure out: why does taking a screening test for PTSD make me feel so horribly anxious?
But the worst part was this thing that was supposed to test my auditory attention or something like that. A computerish voice would say numbers and I was supposed to keep adding the last two of them and say the answer. That made me nervous and twitchy enough. Oh, no!!! A math test!!!! Yeah, they were only one-digit numbers, but still...Then the voice started reading the numbers faster and faster and I couldn't keep up. It reminded me of 10th grade, when the evil teacher would send me to the board and bombard me with so many questions that, at the end, I couldn't even tell him the answer to 1 plus 1, and the whole class would laugh.
This wasn't quite that bad. I wasn't worried about getting in trouble for getting a bad grade or about being humiliated in front of my peers. But my right leg stiarted twitching and trembling anyway, and my voice started quavering, and I felt on the verge of tears. Then I was afraid I'd fall apart and need therapizing on the spot!! Which, I'm sure, never happens to anyone else.
Finally, after four hours or so, the whole ordeal was over except for filling out and discussing a medical/psychological history. Then, at long last, I dragged myself away, feeling as if my brain had fallen out onto the floor.
I think the number part of the test was to determine how well I could focus my attention on what I was hearing. There was another test for the visual part. It was simpler, no numbers or adding, but was so boring and tedious I almost went crazy!
Funny thing: I always second guess myself, so now I'm wondering if I tried too hard on the tests. Maybe I should have given in to every distraction that came along, instead of fighting so hard to stay focused. The thing is that I can't maintain that same level of intense effort for very long.
There is overlap between PTSD and ADD. A lot of his screening and history was to determine when the ADD symptoms first became a problem vs. when the PTSD symptoms started. Some of the actual tests should pinpoint that as well. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with.
I know some of my spaciness is dissociation, but certainly not all of it -- and not when I was a little kid.
As for EMDR, if anything, New Therapist is moving too slow for my taste. Yesterday she said that it would take "quite a bit longer than average" to prepare me for EMDR. When I asked why, she said that I had a difficult time "staying in the present". I guess I'm more of a whacked out nutcase than her typical client.
