Incest, child sexual abuse, and its aftermath

I saved this from an online discussion. The parts that apply to me in regards to the incest are in italics.

 

After being on this panel/board for a bit and reading some of the postings and comments, it has become apparent to me that there is still a lot of unawareness among panel/board members as to what behaviors may constitute incest or other childhood sexual abuse, as well as almost total oblivion as to the possible aftereffects of such abuse experiences. So, I'm going to go ahead and outline some of this for you. I don't mean to put anyone down here, only to explain and give you a better idea of why certain things are happening in your life.

And you know, I've had to do this again and again over the years. I worked as a psychologist for 35+ years on the Behavioral Health Units of a huge University Medical Center, and I had to explain things not only to patients, but also to other psychotherapists. The aftereffects of sexual abuse are so pervasive, and may express themselves in so many different ways, I even needed to keep my lists handy to be sure I didn't miss something. It might be helpful for you to know that incest and/or other sexual abuse was often diagnosed based on the aftereffects that were being seen. No single aftereffect would ever serve to diagnose, but when you see five, six, or seven of them in one person, it becomes pretty obvious. So here we go. I'm going to begin with what I call:

OVERT SEXUAL ABUSE
* Being touched in a sexual way or fondled.
* Being forced to touch another in a sexual manner.
* Being masturbated.
* Being forced to masturbate another person.
* Being forced to perform oral sex.
* Being forced to submit to oral sex.
* Being forced to perform anal intercourse.
* Being forced to submit to anal intercourse.
* Being forced to perform any type of oral/anal activity.
* Being forced to submit to any type of oral/anal activity.
* Being raped. Depends on the definition...and my inability to recall a specific incidence.
* Being force to pose for pornographic pictures, or to appear in pornographic movies or video tapes/DVDs.
* Being forced into prostitution.
* Being forced to undress and/or expose your body.
* Being forced to be sexual with animals.
* Being forced to undress before you were punished or spanked.
* Being penetrated vaginally or rectally by finger, or some other object.

COVERT SEXUAL ABUSE
* Bathed in a manner that felt invasive.
* Excessive attention given to genital hygiene.
* Being given excessive enemas or suppositories
* Being offered money for any sexually related act or conversation.
* Being subjected to comments, jokes, and/or remarks about your developing body.
* Having someone stare at your developing body, at your breasts or your groin/genitals.
* Talked to in ways that made you feel dirty.
* Called "pet" names like "whore", "bitch", or "slut",
* Being exposed to inappropriate nudity, or seeing someone else exposing themselves. This might also include being taken to a nudist/naturist camp by your parents or other family members when you were a child.
* Inappropriate and/or unwanted hugs, kisses, or tickling.
* Being "French" kissed.
* Inappropriate sleeping arrangements, sharing a bed with your parents, or with a sibling of the opposite sex.
* Being given a graphic description of sex acts.
* Being given a graphic description of your parents' sex life.
* Subjected to voyeurism. Not being given any privacy while bathing and/or dressing/undressing.
* Asked about your private life, e.g., asking a girl if she has gotten her period yet, or asking a boy if he has had a wet dream.
* Parents forcing overly rigid rules concerning dress on the child, or forcing the child to wear revealing clothing.
* Being exposed to pornography or other sexually explicit material, including having magazines such as Playboy or Penthouse around the home.
* Being forced to watch movies or videos in which sexual matters were the predominant theme.
* Being accused of immoral acts after returning home from a date.
* Being told that your parents really wanted a boy/girl, but got you instead.
* Becoming the "Little Wife" or the "Little Husband" to your opposite sexed parent. Becoming their partner in every possible way but sexually. Sharing inappropriate confidences. Emotional incest.
* Becoming enmeshed in adult sexual relationships and problems.

SEXUAL NEGLECT AND/OR ABANDONMENT
* Living with parents who repress their sexuality and physical affection, overdue touch and affection, are involved in affairs, are sexually addicted, or are acting out in a sexual manner.
* Lack of sexual boundaries in the family,
* Not being given complete and accurate information about sex, sexuality, procreation, and/or intimacy.
* Not having your questions and/or concerns about sex answered, addressed, or acknowledged.
* Not being taught that you have a right to make choices concerning your sexuality and your body.
* Not being taught about birth control.
* Not being taught about "safe" sex.
* Not having any concerns you might have had about gender identity or confusion, which commonly occur during adolescence, addressed.
* Having parents who did not model normal, healthy sexuality and/or intimacy for the child.

Now, this listing should not be considered to be exhaustive or all inclusive. There are lots of other behaviors which could be included, but this will at least give you some idea of how broad this area of incest/child abuse can be. As far as the aftereffects go, they can be divided into two very broad categories, aftereffects commonly seen in infants, children, and adolescents, and then aftereffects commonly seen in adult survivors. Remember, a diagnosis of incest or other childhood sexual abuse is usually made when the therapist sees five, six, or seven of these aftereffects in any one client. Perhaps this listing of possible aftereffects might serve to confirm for you that something definitely did happen when you were a child. So here we go:

AFTEREFFECTS OF SEXUAL TRAUMA COMMONLY SEEN IN INFANTS, CHILDREN, AND ADOLELSCENTS
* Infants: Fear of diaper change.
* Toilet training relapses.
* Smearing of feces of urine.
* Bed wetting, change in sleep patterns (excessive sleep or an inability to sleep), nightmares.
* Fear of specific situations, or persons/strangers.
* Social or emotional withdrawal, isolation.
* Personality changes.
* Loss of appetite.
* Unprovoked crying spells.
* Clinging to a significant adult.
* Excessive washing/baths, talks of being dirty or feeling dirty.
* Poor self-image, low self-esteem.
* Change in type of fantasy play, expressions of extreme victimization or violence in play.
* Refusal to go to school, delinquency, drop in grades in school.
* Difficulty in reading, in doing math, or in keeping up at school.
* Running away from, or aversion to going home.
* Attempts to control the environment, fear of the unknown, anxiety over unknown aspects of life.
* Regression to infantile behavior, clinging to childhood securities such as blankets, toys, dolls, baby bottles, etc.
* Agitation, hyperactivity, irritability, or aggressiveness.
* An overall rebelliousness towards authority.
* Suicidal thoughts, feelings, or ideation.
* Alcohol abuse or alcoholism.
* Drug abuse or addiction.
* Eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, or obesity).
* Fear of being left alone.
* Fear of being touched.
* Unexplained gagging.
* Speech problems.
* Excessive passivity.
* Ulcers, colitis, or other stress related disorders.
* Headaches or stomachaches.
* Frequent genital or urinary tract infections.
* Unexplained bruises or injuries in the genital area.
* Blood spotting or unexplained substances in the underwear.
* Physical damage to the rectal, vaginal, or mouth areas, venereal diseases or testing H.I.V. positive.
* Sexual precociousness, excessive masturbation, use of sexually explicit words or gestures that are inappropriate, given the child's age.
* Promiscuity, prostitution, sexual addiction, or obsessive-compulsive sexual behaviors.

And finally, the longest list of them all, the one that shows how incest or other childhood sexual trauma will manifest itself in the lives of adult survivors. These are the reactions you should be seeing in your life right now if you are a survivor.

POSSIBLE AFTEREFFECTS OF INCEST OR OTHER CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE IN ADULT SURVIVORS
* Depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings, ideation, or attempts.
* Anger or rage that is misdirected or is inappropriate for the situation.
* Fear and anxiety, fear of rejection and/or abandonment.
* Guilt and shame.
* Repeated victimization in relationships, jobs, and marriages.
* Emotional shutdown or over controlling of the emotions.
* Relationship difficulties, problems with trust, sharing, and intimacy.
* Sexual problems, impotency, frigidity, inhibited sexual response, disorders of desire, sexual addiction/compulsivity, promiscuity, prostitution.
* Feeling or acting asexual, sexual anorexia.
* Fear of being touched.
* Poor self-image/low self-esteem.
* Minimizing of the abuse or denying the abuse.
* Migraine headaches.
* Back pain.
* Eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, obesity)
* Sleep disorders (insomnia, excessive sleep, nightmares, night terrors).
* Flashbacks (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
* Alcohol abuse, alcoholism.
* Drug abuse, drug addiction.
* Need to be in control, or a need to pretend that you are not in control (helplessness).
* Self-abuse, self-mutilation, cutting, or burning.
* Feelings of unreality/detachment.
* Seeing self as failure.
* Feeling inadequate, wishing you were someone else.
* Inability to receive comfort or nurturing.
* Feeling ashamed when complimented.
* Feelings of envy or jealousy
* Difficult in making any type of commitment to others.
* A sense of being wrong much of the time.
* Feeling that if other people really knew you, they would reject you.
* Feelings of self-hatred.
* Testing people that love you, just to see if they really do.
* An overwhelming need to please others. (Codependency).
* Numbness in certain parts of your body.
* Repetitive negative thoughts.
* Envy of "normal" people.
* Finding it hard to connect with other people, loneliness, isolation.
* Difficulty in allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
* Problems making yourself heard.
* Fear of being used by others.
* Inability to say "No".
* Inability to recognize the truth.
* Confusion about roles, identity, gender, or sexual orientation.
* Fear of men and/or women. (Related to who abused you).
* Fear of authority and/or rules.
* Homophobia.
* Fear of speaking out or standing up for yourself, problems with assertiveness.
* Inability to relax.
*Linking abuse or sex with love.
* In and out of therapy for years with little or no progress.
* Employment and work related problems.
* Inability to reach goals.
* Money problems: Fear of having it, fear of not having it, or fear of never having enough when you have plenty.
* Inability to participate in certain activities or use certain colors, foods, clothes, or fabrics.
* Psychosomatic illnesses.
* Getting upset by certain sounds, smells, tastes, colors, touches, or weather.
* Being an underachiever or an overachiever.
* Perfectionism in any and all areas of your life.
* Self-sabotage.
* Fear of pelvic and/or rectal examinations.
* Personality disorders of all types.
* Dissociative disorders, multiple personalities, adaptable personalities, or sliding personalities.
* Antisocial, psychopathic, or sociopathic behaviors.
* Battering or being the victim of such abuse.
* Phobias and/or phobic reactions.
* Anxiety attacks.
* Disorientation, confusion.
* Hyperactivity, aggressiveness, irritability.
* Wearing clothing that is too large and that hides your body, body shame.
* Feeling "crazy" or different.
* Passive-aggressive behaviors.
* Criminal behaviors: setting fires, destroying property, theft.
* Offender status: Perpetrating sexual abuse on children, or some other form of sexual assault, such as rape.

All of these symptoms will NEVER be seen in any one individual. But when five, six, or seven are seen, the therapist knows that they are dealing with a survivor, whether the client realizes it or not.


Posted on 09/24/10, 12:47 pm

Signs of unresolved trauma

Over a year into therapy, I discovered...somewhere I don't remember...a list of symptoms of unresolved trauma.  

1. Addictive behaviors – excessively turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling as a way to push difficult emotions and upsetting trauma content further away. (How excessive is excessive?)

 

2. An inability to tolerate conflicts with others – having a fear of conflict, running from conflict, avoiding conflict, maintaining skewed perceptions of conflict. (Yes)

 

3. An inability to tolerate intense feelings, preferring to avoid feeling by any number of ways (Who, me?)

 

4. An innate belief that they are bad, worthless, without value or importance (Sort of) <--- I think I was being slightly facetious here, or maybe I was underestimating how poorly I thought of myself.

 

5. Black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, even if this approach ends up harming themselves (Not sure) I realize now that I tend to think in extremes.

 

6. Chronic and repeated suicidal thoughts and feelings (Maybe not chronic)

 

7. Disorganized attachment patterns – having a variety of short but intense relationships, refusing to have any relationships, dysfunctional relationships, frequent love/hate relationships. Short but intense relationship...yup, I had a few before marriage.

 

8. Dissociation, spacing out, losing time, missing time, feeling like you are two completely different people. (Unfortunately)

 

9. Eating disorders – anorexia, bulimia, obesity, etc Not a true eating disorder, although my eating has been disordered at times.

 

10. Excessive sense of self-blame – taking on inappropriate responsibility as if everything is their fault, making excessive apologies (Yes)

 

11. Inappropriate attachments to mother figures or father figures, even with dysfunctional or unhealthy people. Don't think so. My therapist disagrees about father figures.

 

12. Intense anxiety and repeated panic attacks (Not this bad)

 

13. Intrusive thoughts, upsetting visual images, flashbacks, body memories / unexplained body pain, or distressing nightmares (Yes)

 

14. Ongoing, chronic depression (Probably)

 

15. Repeatedly acting from a victim role in current day relationships

 

16. Repeatedly taking on the rescuer role, even when inappropriate to do so

 

17. Self-harm, self-mutilation, self-injury, self-destruction

 

18. Suicidal actions and behaviors, failed attempts to suicide (Yes)

 

19. Taking the perpetrator role / angry aggressor in relationships

 

20. Unexplained but intense fears of people, places, things (Yes)

 

My comments from back then follow each item in parenthesis. Today's comments are in purple.

I wonder if and when these will ever go away...

New look to my blog

The dark background was getting to me.

Joined the world of Twitter

I'm on Twitter now: FamilySecrets76. Thought I'd let anyone reading this know.

If you are already on Twitter, check out #Ididnotreport. Powerful, heart wrenching stories.

My mother responds

My mother's phone call startled me awake. It wasn't early; I had been sleeping in late to make up for a string of anxiety-laden nights of insomnia. I figured the was calling to talk about the letter. I was right.

Her voice sounded excited, almost overjoyed. "I wanted to let you know we read your letter and I want you to know what we did with it!" Anyone listening in at this point would have thought that I had sent her the most wonderful news, and she was so happy that she had put the letter in a scrapbook or framed it on the wall.

This was just the beginning of a surreal conversation.

Sounding almost gushing, she thanked me for the letter, especially my expressions of love. She thought the letter very well written. In fact, she read it twice, very carefully. So did my father.

Then she burned it.

"I've put it behind me!" she said with great enthusiasm, as if announcing something I should take great delight in. "You should too! It's in the past, it's forgiven, it's over and done with. Time to move on. I'm over it and I hope you will get over it too."

She's over it? She is over it?!! She reads about how her son sexually abused her daughter for years and, just like that, she is over it? Not a twinge of grief, not the slightest moment of compassion, not a bit of concern, not a moment of anguish? Just like that, she is over it?

Another woman I know found out, decades after the fact, that her son had molested her daughter. She hopped on the next available plane and flew clear across the country to hold her daughter in her arms, weep with her, and support her in whatever way she could. "I didn't know then, or I would have stopped it. But I know now, and I will do anything to help you heal," she told her daughter. And she begged her forgiveness for failing to protect her...for anything she did that made it possible for such a tragedy to occur.

Such a response, obviously, is utterly foreign to my mother. She let me know she was not at all to blame. Her conscience was clear. She was at peace. All was well in her world. She was sure I was fine...after all, I have Sheldon and my therapist...and she was not going to give the contents of the letter another thought.

"It's buried in the past!" She said this several times. I think she was disappointed that I wasn't excited, overjoyed even, that she was able to get over my years of sexual abuse so quickly. "It will never bother me again!"

I honestly think she wanted me to be happy for her...happy that my long hellish nightmare had mattered so little to her, that she was not going to allow it to intrude on her happiness, that she really didn't care.

Sheldon's statement

Sheldon wrote to my parents as well. This is a portion of his letter:

I have learned that many of those who are molested react with shame. Although they are the victim, they blame themselves. This encourages secrecy and prevents disclosure; thus, the abuse continues. Only the truth revealed can set people free and begin the process of healing. Even this process of healing can bring glory to God.

I have seen that God often brings instant forgiveness and healing of our spirits, but the healing of our bodies and souls usually takes time, even a lifetime. Deep wounds leave scars.


Someone I know had surgery as a child to repair a hole in his heart. His parents were told by the surgeon that the repair -- the scar -- would become the strongest part of his heart.

I take comfort in that.

Letter to my parents

This letter has either already arrived at my parents' address, or should arrive any time now:


Dear Mom and Dad,

This is probably the most difficult letter I've ever had to write. The subject matter is extremely painful for all of us. For years, I wanted to spare you that pain. I thought what I endured was my burden to bear alone. But when I finally told Sheldon my shameful secret, his immediate response was, "That explains so much." Suddenly things made sense to him. My regret is that I did not tell him sooner.

That is why I am writing this letter. My intent is not to cause you any more pain. I love both of you more than my feeble words could ever express. In no way do I blame you for something you had no way of knowing. However, you as my parents deserve to know the truth.

There is no easy way to say this, no gentle way to lead up to what Sheldon already told you on the phone. Without going into gory details, Damien began molesting me when I was 13, and the sexual abuse continued for years, escalating in severity. What he did meets the commonly accepted definition of incest ("sexual contact between those so closely related that it would be illegal for them to marry") and, although I have no memory of actual intercourse occurring, it meets the newly accepted Justice Dept. definition of rape ("penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim")

Those words are painful to read, I know. I wish they weren't true; I wish none of it had happened. It has been terribly anguishing for me to deal with the ugliness and shame of it all.

I'm sure this raises many questions for you. Why did I let it happen? Why didn't I tell? Why didn't I make Damien stop? Why did I act, all these years, as if nothing was wrong?

Remember when my aunts feared, because of how compliant I was with Damien, that I would eventually fall under the spell of some man, in such bondage that I would do his every bidding, even if I knew it was wrong? Their fears proved correct, only it happened much sooner, and it was with Damien. By the time I was 13, he could get me to do almost anything. It's no secret he could be tyrant-like. Even as a child, he wanted to be world dictator. He found in me an all too easy subject to exert power over and to control. That's the essence of sexual abuse -- it's far more about power and control than it is about sex.

The way I attempted to cope while it was happening was to pretend it away and refuse to think about it. It was as if I was in an unrelenting fog. I became a master at denial. In the place of the truth, I created a fantasy world, wherein my life wasn't filled with shame and despair; my brother wasn't sexually abusing me or pressuring me to read porn, drink alcohol and take drugs; instead, he was World's Best Big Brother, wonderfully protective. The truth -- that the brother I so loved and admired would hurt and betray me in such vile ways -- was something I couldn't bear.

So I put my dark secret in a box, locked and sealed it, and buried it as deeply as I could. Unfortunately, the toxic slime that kept oozing out of that box poisoned every aspect of my life, not just during those awful years, but all the years since then.

It was incredibly difficult, but I finally managed to get Damien to stop, to promise to leave me alone, to stop trying to convince me that there was nothing wrong with an incestuous relationship other than my unwillingness to submit to him. Although he never asked, I forgave him. It was over and done with, and I tried to leave it in the past. In those days, I didn't completely understand forgiveness. I thought it meant reconciliation and restoration as well, and that I had no right to treat him any differently than if the years of sexual abuse had never happened.

Up until 2009, I had told only one other person, a therapist that I saw in college. She was no help whatsoever. I left and never returned. When I began seeing Randy, my current therapist, it took me months to finally tell him what I referred to as my "deepest darkest secret". Actually I couldn't even get the words out at first. He had to say them for me. It didn't come as a shock to him; the red flags were all there.

The ways I coped back when I was 13 -- the things I did to prevent going insane or being plunged into even darker despair -- helped me survive. But they aren't healthy ways of coping with life over the long haul. They aren't how God intends for anyone to live.

What we have been doing in therapy is, in many respects, like cleaning out old, festering wounds that should have been treated decades ago. In addition, we are exposing the lies that have kept me bound most of my life, and we are replacing them with truth. A friend of mine describes this as "soul surgery". Eventually all will be repaired and stitched up, every gaping hole mended, every wound cleaned and healed.

More than ever before, I believe in a redemptive God. What men meant for evil, God will use for good. God can redeem anything, even this.

Please know that, no matter what -- past, present or future -- I love both of you very much. I am thankful beyond words that God blessed me with such wonderful parents.

I love you!
Annie


The letter does contain a partial truth...or partial lie, depending on one's perspective. I don't blame my mother in the sense that I believe she would have prevented or stopped the incest had she known. But I do blame her for creating a family environment that allowed incest to flourish for years.


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