Results from psychological testing

More from September 2012, an email I wrote to my support group:

I'm having another insomnia bout, so I'm not sure if the following will make sense.

My husband and I met with the psychologist on Tuesday so that he could explain the results of the extensive psychological testing I had done. There were no major surprises. I already knew I had PTSD, and I suspected mine was not the mildest case, and he confirmed that. In fact, he strongly suggested I pursue additional treatment, and he gave me the name of a psychiatrist that could determine whether or not I would benefit from other meds. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday.

The next diagnosis was something I'd suspected for years, but now it's official: I have ADD, the inattentive type. He didn't just base that on screening and personal history; it was very clear from the testing itself. I asked whether or not it could just be another symptom of PTSD and he said, in my case, the difference was obvious. The attention issues with PTSD tend to be as a result of being distracted because of hypervigilance or as a result of dissociation. My test results demonstrated that my main attention problems are significantly different, even though I may also experience PTSD-related attention issues.

There were a few small surprises. I thought I'd done horribly on the test where I had to listen to one-digit numbers being read, add them together, and say the answer. That had been the most stressful part of the test for me. Amazingly, he said I did fine.

Not so with the test where I sat in front of a computer screen and hit the spacebar whenever a letter appeared, unless it was the letter "X". Sometimes the letter would appear in rather quick succession, other times it would be at varying intervals of time. The program measures the types of errors made, how long it takes for the person to respond, etc. The test lasted a horrendously tedious 10 minutes. Apparently a person without any attention or focusing problems will get better as the test goes on. People with different types of ADHD/ADD, or other attention issues, will make distinctively different types of errors. Mine were apparently rather significant, to the extent that the psychologist recommended I consider meds for ADD as well. His only concern, which he knows the psychiatrist will take into consideration, is that stimulants may make my PTSD worse. He emphasized that treatment for PTSD needed to take precedence, because that was my more debilitating issue.

I think it was really good that my husband was there. He described some of the things that have baffled and frustrated him about me, and the psychologist said, "That's classic ADD." What I especially appreciated is that he emphasized to my husband the extreme effort it takes for me to stay focused on most tasks, and he explained why it's pretty much impossible for me to multi-task.

He also went over the results of my personality test and explained to my husband how I am "hardwired" certain ways and that these are unchangeable. Guess I'll never be one of those eternally cheerful, upbeat, life of the party types.

I'm glad I had the testing done. At least now, I can't tell myself that my ADD symptoms are all in my head and that my real problem is that I'm stupid, lazy, or a nutcase. The next time my mother asks, "Are you sure you aren't bipolar?" I can explain that I was extensively tested and no, I'm not. My husband now knows that I don't do certain things in order to annoy him or because I don't care about him. The next time I worry about being crazy, I can remind myself that my test results prove otherwise. So, over all, I think it was money well spent. So does my husband, and he was the one paying for it.

As for the upcoming psychiatrist appointment...I'm a little bit nervous. I'm afraid of going through some awful trial and error in order to find the right meds. I'm scared of certain side effects. I don't want to become a chemical soup. At the same time, if I can be put on something that will alleviate some of my PTSD symptoms, that would be great. And being able to focus better would be...well, I have no idea what it would be like, because I've never experienced it!

In other news, my session with June, the EMDR therapist, also on Tuesday, went well. I brought in a thing I'd written detailing all my PTSD symptoms. I told her that I'd been frustrated by the screening thing she'd used and that I hadn't known how to answer the questions. She appreciated what I wrote, read it over, and asked me questions. For the first time, I felt that she was really listening to me and that she had a desire to get to know me as a person and not just as "EMDR client number whatever". And...she didn't do or say anything annoying the entire time!!!!

Next Tuesday morning I get to see Randy and fill him in on everything that's been going on. It seems like forever since I've seen with him.

For the most part, I feel hopeful that things are getting better. At the same time, I've been plagued by nightmares and sleep problems. Ugh.