Joined the world of Twitter

I'm on Twitter now: FamilySecrets76. Thought I'd let anyone reading this know.

If you are already on Twitter, check out #Ididnotreport. Powerful, heart wrenching stories.

Struggling

When I started this blog, my idea was to chronicle how far I've come on my healing journey. My hope was that the people who would most benefit from my story would find their way here, and find comfort and strength in my words. At the very least, they would no longer feel so crushingly alone.

But the events I wrote about in my previous blog entry have made me feel like the lonely little girl I once was.

Sure, I have Sheldon. Don't get me wrong -- he has been amazing lately, not just as a husband but as my friend and ally. I have Randy. I have my support group. That is all great, and I am so, so thankful.

But I'm still that little girl.

Only now my secrets are out.

It's both relieving and horribly scary. I'm not sure what I want, other than to hide in my bed. I want some sort of reassurance. I want to feel safe.


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Telling my story

I've been thinking a lot about how to tell my story here on this blog. Chronologically? And, if so, where do I start? Should I begin by writing about what brought me to therapy? Begin with the first incident of sexual abuse? Or begin with the events that led up to it?

The chronological approach, I've decided, is too daunting. My posts here may end up seeming kind of random and meandering, heading down this path and then that. But, in many ways that's how my recovery journey has been so far. It's not been orderly and chronological either.

This feels like a secret blog

No one knows about this blog yet, but me. I was going to title it "No More Family Secrets" until the irony of that struck me. Yes, I have disclosed pretty much most of my painful family secrets in therapy -- at least the ones that have directly impacted me -- and I have held back little in the way of significant detail. I have even disclosed the worst of those secrets to my husband and a few other people close to me. But, at the same time, I'm not exactly going public, not even in my own family. I'm still keeping secrets from most of them. And...this blog is anonymous.

But I left the "no more" in my blog URL, because this is yet another step in that direction.

Maybe someone who sonehow finds their way here will benefit from the words I plan to write. I feel a need to write them here, not just in the journals I keep locked up in my home, the contents of which I don't even always share fully with my therapist. For some reason, I can't shake the idea that I should put my words out here...even if no one else finds them.

So here goes...